{"id":17474,"date":"2016-01-14T09:42:43","date_gmt":"2016-01-14T14:42:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/idlenot.com\/?p=17474"},"modified":"2016-01-14T09:42:43","modified_gmt":"2016-01-14T14:42:43","slug":"plumbing-penance","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/idlenot.com\/?p=17474","title":{"rendered":"Plumbing Penance"},"content":{"rendered":"

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This past Tuesday night my friend and neighbor Ed informed me by email that he had a bit of a computer problem that might need fixing. I gave him some suggestions and indicated that I might see him the following day if he still needed help. Unfortunately I ended up Wednesday by returning home late in the day and a bit exhausted. I wrote a followup email to Ed to explain where I was all day. If you dislike plumbing, please read the email message I have copied below.<\/p>\n

\n

 <\/p>\n

Ed,<\/p>\n

How did your day work out? I’m sorry I wasn’t around to help you
\nwith that computer problem. My day did not follow the plan I had
\nworked out. Let me explain.<\/p>\n

I left home at 7:05 am and got back at about 4 pm.
\nI went to mom’s after breakfast at McDonald’s with the guys.
\nI found her still in bed at 9:30.
\nShe felt warm so I figured she was alive (you have to do that stuff when someone is 92).<\/p>\n

She woke up after a little while and told me about how
\nsick she was the previous day. I gave her the scheduled vitamin shot (1 ml every 6 weeks)
\nand then went to the kitchen to wash dishes. This is when I noticed the faucet had
\nno handle (reminds me of an old Bob Dylan ballad).<\/p>\n

“Oh yeah” says mom, “I have to walk to the bathroom to get
\nwater to wash the dishes.” So I ask her how long has it been like this.
\n“Since the weekend, I think” says she. Well you need a new
\nfaucet set. “I know that” she returns, “Andrew is going to get one
\nfor me”.
\nI decide to call Andrew to determine whether or not he has
\nacquired the sink faucet set. “It’s on the floor next to the china
\ncabinet in the dining room” Andrew informs me. “I was going to put it in
\nas soon as I felt better. Got a serious case of the runs, you know.
\nEven the dog is sick.” I see a pattern emerging here.<\/p>\n

So what to do? I called my friend Lee and informed him that I would
\nnot be able to meet him today. I was having a plumbing crisis. He
\noffered to loan me some tools but I declined. I had to go home
\nand get all my special gear.<\/p>\n

So off to Hope Valley I go at warp speed. I return to Warwick in no
\nless than 100 minutes laden with every tool and light source
\nknown to modern man. I also drag along my wife who is seriously
\nconcerned about a maniac errant son driving with wild abandonment
\non the slightly icy roads of Middle RI.<\/p>\n

Of course my mom has already requested that I return with a loaf
\nof cinnamon swirl bread without the raisins. She used to put raisins in
\neverything she cooked, including meatballs. That was to make my
\ndad happy. Now he’s gone so damned the raisins. I said damned the cinnamon
\nswirl bread until we get the sink fixed.<\/p>\n

So we arrive. I carry in my tools that are cradled in a cardboard Narragansett beer<\/a>
\nflat, the best toolbox I had on hand. Camille goes into the dining room to
\nconverse with my mother (bless her heart; Camille’s, not mom’s) so
\nI can tinker, throw things about and curse willy-nilly to my heart’s desire.
\nIt’s the only way I know to do plumbing.<\/p>\n

\"What<\/a>

What does it take to install a kitchen sink faucet? This box of goodies just about covers it. Someday I’ll turn in the Narragansett Beer box for something more sturdy. For now, it does a nice job.<\/p><\/div>\n

Step one was to remove all four mousetraps from under sink. Two were sprung\u00a0and contained no bait. One was primed and went off when my screwdriver touched it.
\nNumber four had a mighty well-dead mouse attached. Lucky me.
\nNow the fun part of the day (and I thought the 15 mph first drive up on route 95 couldn’t be beat) began. The old faucet set was held on by this really big fitting that would\u00a0not budge. So I just started ripping stuff out. I severed the old spray hose with\u00a0some sharp scissors mom had on hand (the only tool of any value in the house; even her
\nflashlight didn’t work … it was full of water). Then I proceeded to undo the two nuts
\nthat seemed to be holding the faucet stem in place. Have you ever tried to use
\nan 8-inch wrench in a 3-inch space? After a liberal dose of the F-word and much
\ntwisting and bending of my back (not to mention the drop light that decided to drop
\nin my face and the spanner that missed my head by an inch) I finally pulled
\nthe sucker off. The actual install of the faucet was a piece of cake, almost. If you
\nthink using an 8-inch wrench in a 3-inch space is frustrating, how about using
\ntwo at a time? Yup, that’s how you tighten the supply nut without twisting
\noff the faucet nuts (both cold and hot). Did I already mention falling wrenches,
\nraining rust flakes, and dripping supplies? I swear, all plumbers must go straight
\nto heaven when they die. No waiting in line for those guys. They already spent
\na lifetime in purgatory.<\/p>\n

Finally the faucet is working. The only leak (very slight) is the shutoff valve. I don’t do those.
\nBesides, if I fixed that what would the mice think? So my wife and I make a quick run
\nto the store for cinnamon swirl bread without raisins ( any brand will do, just no raisins if you please) and a fresh pink bottle of Pepto-Bismol\u00a9\u00a0so as to replenish mom’s recently
\nexhausted supply. Job done. Goods delivered. Bye mom! “You can’t leave yet” says mom. “Watch me” my face responds. You have to replace the bulbs in the dining room
\nlamp. I do this with great reluctance (plumbing brings out the worst in me).<\/p>\n

My wife and I finally leave. “I would have stayed home if I knew it would take this long” she huffs.
\n“Wait!. Do you know what day it is? It’s Wiener\u00a0Wednesday!” I say. That did it.
\nWe set a path for Kingston Pizza down in Peacedale. When we enter the store I immediately\u00a0ask the friendly lady behind the counter “Is today Wiener Wednesday?”
\n“All day, honey” she responds. And the guy eating alone in one of the booths
\nchimes in “That’s what I ask her every Wednesday too.” So five wieners, one large fry, a six-pack of Gansett and 20 minutes later we are back home eating our 4:00 pm lunch\/supper.
\nThat was an unexpected day.<\/p>\n

Ken<\/p>\n

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